Old Posts

In Search of… What? Why Do I Bother Looking

Well. I did it. Paid a nominal fee to surf the profiles of the nation's most eligible (or not) bachelors. Certainly a chick like me.. intelligent psychopath with dangerous curves can attract a suitable mate somewhere other than online. But ya see, I don't go out that much. Mainly because I don't always like to venture out on my own. I don't have any running buddies, not really. I have a few girlfriends but I grew up hanging out with the fellas. I've heard other women say the same thing. Brothers are less judgmental, more easygoing and real. Unfortunately, there's a lot of sister-hate.

Physical

Not really the clubbin’ type, a friend of mine told me about a hot after work spot for months before I actually checked it out. I went. Had a pretty good time. Got to shake what my Mama gave me and have a beer. Got hit on by a brother that looked about 19. How’d he get in? I am not starved for attention and was able to let the brother down easy. There was another guy who was obviously drunk. He was actually quite amusing and I couldn’t help but smirk because I could tell how difficult it was for him to focus. I still don’t know what he was talking about. There was another brother – with these incredible piercing eyes who looked really familiar but I just couldn’t place him. Had I had another beer, I may have said something. I don’t know that I was looking for someone there. I felt relaxed and enjoyed myself.

Virtual

The Internet has been a daily part of my life since 1996. I’ve met quite a few people over the years online – many of them platonic, a few romantic. I met the great love of my life (thus far) online. I met some of the best friends I’ve ever had online. Why wouldn’t I turn back to the Net? I’ll tell ya why. Brothers be LYIN’. lol For true! Now, whoa. I have my imperfections – physical, mental and emotional. I won’t make excuses. I’m WYSIWYG – what you see is what you get. I wear makeup. My hair looks crazy most of the time. My skin doesn’t always cooperate. I wear contacts and glasses so I can SEE. My nails are almost always done and I paint my toenails. I wear the best of what I can afford. This is ME. As a friend says, “this is the box I come in.”

My question is this… these profiles I see online… is this really who people think they are? I suppose it’s hard to describe yourself to someone but come on… do all brothers really like “quiet evenings at home” and “cuddling with that special someone?” Ya see, I’m a between the lines reader. I’m a “this looks like stolen material” reader. A “why won’t a brother keep it real” reader. I see “quiet evenings at home” and I think – he will prop himself in front of the television with one hand in his underwear and watch basketball/football/baseball for hours. “Cuddling with that special someone?” Tryin’ to fake a sister out making her think he is affectionate and sensitive. “I like to cook,” he says. HungryMan. Three minutes on high, stir, cook another few minutes. Stand. Enjoy.

After reading through enough of these, I start to get a clear picture of what I don’t want. I know what is important to me and I cannot find it. Which makes me think perhaps I am looking too hard. However, after “dating” the last few months, I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps I am not ready to share myself with anyone. Maybe I’m not open to feelings of closeness and intimacy. And why? Because maybe I am still hurt somewhere inside. And until I am able to heal that part, I will be unable to attract the man I seek.

Recently, one of the men I’d given the “you hurt me more than anyone” award traipsed back into my life after almost seven years…and I realized that if I could forgive him, I could forgive anyone. I forgive, but I never forget. I just hope that he forgives me and if he should happen to read this: I am truly sorry – you will never understand how much. I hope that’s part of the healing process.

I’m reminded of a movie I saw – Loving Jezebel with Hill Harper… he loved the part of the women he was involved with that no one else would. I think that’s key. I have difficulty imagining a pure and unconditional love among humans but I do think that in order to love someone deeply and completely, you must love as much of them as possible.

I hope. I dream. Really I do. I fantasize and imagine an incredible romance but at this point, I’m not sure I’ll find it among the profiles online. Or in the club. Or even in church. I don’t know where he is. Maybe he will never arrive. Maybe we passed each other by. Sometimes I give up completely. And then I keep looking. I can’t envision being with someone for the sake of being or if it doesn’t feel right in my heart and soul.

Because I am an optimist, I’ll tell you that I see another love coming soon. It’s been almost seven years since my last full-fledged relationship. I like being in love. I like loving someone and I miss that. So where the #%$^@&*( is that *()&#))? LOL I’m kidding. Sort of.

Disclaimer: It is truly not my intention to disrespect and previous relationships or men I have loved…or who’ve loved me.

Originally Written: March 21, 2002

OneHipSista

Hi. I'm Valerie. Glad you're here – come on in and sit a spell. I've never put so much of my writing online but I share my personal experiences in hopes that I help someone in some way. I hope you find something you read thought-provoking, amusing or encouraging. Reach out or comment if you like. Please forgive the typos, grammar and cussing. Thanks for stopping by.

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