Old Posts

The List

The concept of The List isn't unusual. It seems to be a rather subconscious thing and the list members can change frequently. I know lots of people who do it. As soon as they meet someone new, they have to know: Is he/she married? Involved? Kids? How many? Car? House? It also tends to be something single people do, although, anyone can find themselves single again - by choice, through separation, divorce or even death.

If you are single and not looking, then you probably won’t have a large inventory of potential mates. After a relationship that doesn’t work out, you may be content to just chill out, heal if required, pick up fly-fishing or crocheting or something. Hooking up with someone new may be the furthest thing from your mind. But if you ARE looking, every one you meet could become a Potential, who may or may not make The List.

So here’s the deal. If you date or have had boyfriends/girlfriends over the past, say, ten years, and still are not involved, you could potentially have a List. The List consists of decent brothers (or sisters) you’ve met that you’ve had some kind of friendship with. You may optionally go back and explore the relationship — seeing if there’s enough passion or friendship to sustain a long-term relationship. You may also desire to have children and as the years tick by, you start doing the math. If I have a child at age __, I’ll be in Depends when she/he graduates high school!

So as time passes, you keep tabs on your List members. So and so got married? X him out. And I think I can safely assume that sometimes YOUR List member will have YOU as a member on their list. I’d say that can be a good thing.

•••

This entry comes as a result of a recent birthday for me (34) and a conversation with a family member who is single like me. While I don’t feel any older and still believe that if it is meant to be, I will get involved, have children, etc. I think I have resigned myself to the fact that it may not happen. I watched a movie the other day where a successful 40-something woman placed a personal ad to find a sperm donor so she could have a child. I ain’t that woman, but I wouldn’t look down on someone for doing it.

One Man’s Perspective

In a conversation with a male friend, he explained that women in their late thirties/early forties are husband shopping. I don’t divulge people’s personal information here — only talk about my own experiences — but I have to quote him. I don’t think he’ll mind. He said that dating a woman, whose [unspoken] intentions you are well aware of, can lead to potential drama. As he so eloquently put it, “They’re like boogers. Just.. won’t.. go away.” I still laugh at that, but I understand completely. Clinging to someone or something that you know isn’t right for you. If a woman is looking for a relationship, or a husband, and the man has no intention of being “that guy”, he should keep on stepping. Leave her to find someone who is looking for the same thing she is. Unfortunately, I think we fool ourselves sometimes saying things like, “Oh, it’s just a casual thing. We’re just hanging out…” etc. Bullsh_t. If you know what you want, you won’t settle for someone offering what you don’t.

My List

But getting back to The List. Of the ex-boyfriends I’ve had, I would say none are on the list. While I am grateful for the beautiful men I’ve been fortunate enough to know, whatever experiences we had were enough for me to see that they were not who I could see myself with for…. however long we could be together. I say that because though I am an optimist, there are no guarantees you’ll be with someone forever and ever, Amen.

My own List has changed several times over the years. I get involved, un-involved… the Potentials fall in love, get married, have children, get divorced… those events dictate if a member stays on The List. Other factors affect it as well — moving, personal tragedy or success and maturity can change the overall credentials required of Potentials. If things I felt were important before become obsolete, a Potential could be eliminated. Or maybe he just gets a big question mark.

So what are my List Member requirements?

  • Single (NO entanglements)
  • Stability (Emotional/Financial)
  • Healthy Libido (Fire & Desire)
  • Takes Care of His Children/No Children

I generally don’t concern myself with whether a man has children, just how he interacts with them or unless the number of children is like 5+. I look at ages, typically preferring older men, but I have to revisit my thoughts around dating younger. My mother made a startling point. She said that my sister and I should consider younger men because women tend to outlive men. Hmmm. Mommy very wise woman.

All that said, I know many of my writings of the past have been lamentations of being single and what’s wrong with these Negroes and why can’t I find that one cool brother, but at present, my list is REAL short and I honestly don’t mind. I’d like to do away with it all together – except for that subconscious thing I mentioned. Can’t help but size up a brother who fits the bill.

I wonder if I’m on anyone’s list.

Originally Written: May 3, 2005

OneHipSista

Hi. I'm Valerie. Glad you're here – come on in and sit a spell. I've never put so much of my writing online but I share my personal experiences in hopes that I help someone in some way. I hope you find something you read thought-provoking, amusing or encouraging. Reach out or comment if you like. Please forgive the typos, grammar and cussing. Thanks for stopping by.

What’s Good Here

Don't Miss a Thing
New posts are published Tuesdays and Thursdays. Get a rundown of new posts in your inbox or follow me on social media for the latest.
Question, comment or issue?

Please fill out the contact form below and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank You!

X
Drop Me a Line