Date Stories

Online Dating…Part II

Single and in need of a little amusement? Then you MUST try online dating sites. I've never seen so many... interesting people in one place. I have been on and off online dating sites for years and don't discount the internet as a valid place to meet new people. I'm also on my computer for extended periods of time.

I checked out several different sites but ultimately went back to sites I’d used before. At first I was incognito, entering only enough info to search the profiles. One site told me I already had an account when I went to register and when I located my login information, I was met with a six year old profile and photos from the last time I’d been on the site. I  updated the profile a little, changed some of the pictures and I was live! What came next??? Nothing.

I was pretty clear about my preferences but most men ignored them completely. The guy in the pic? (I know, I know, it’s Denzel…) but that’s who usually pursues me relentlessly. Some call me cute names and gush about my beauty while others send along a curriculum vitae and what feels like “qualifications.” Just be you. Often I would respond to a message and they would immediately ask for my phone number. Yeah NO. All I can say is, Thank God for the [BLOCK] button! Yes. Thank You. While I’ve had casual conversations with some, I haven’t made real connections but maybe that’s just me. Kinda hard to connect when you’ve met the love of your life but I’ve made a lot of observations…

In General

  • Black People Meet is filled with people of other ethnicities looking to meet black people. Is there a White People Meet? Hmm. I guess that would be Match.
  • Men over the age of 65 like to message me, call me sweetie or hun and tell me they like my profile but hate “rap” music. [BLOCK]
  • Totally hate the phrase “live life to the fullest” because bottom line? Most people don’t.
  • If the guy trying to holler has twelve kids and is legally separated, I’m thinking he may not be available or have time for a real relationship.
  • For some reason, men love to post mad gym shots. I’m glad to see them taking care of themselves but do they “be in the GYM at all times?” (Mos Def, Brownsugar)
  • Beware of sites that send flirts, winks, etc. when you are merely searching or click a photo. Why? Because it is AWKWARD when you accidentally send a wink or flirt to someone you are clearly NOT attracted to and they respond excitedly. Oops. [BLOCK]
  • Expect the random friend, client or relative to come up in a search. (And they’ll either block you or pretend they don’t know you. lol)
  • Even though I dislike grammatical errors and typos, they happen. If I can’t decipher the message or figure out what he’s saying… [X DELETE]

What I Dislike About Photos

  • Car shots are perfectly fine because my main photo is one. No double standard there.
  • Photos where they have clearly cut out some woman. I see her hand! Dude. Take a new pic.
  • 30 shots of him looking cool in sunglasses. Most people look cool in sunglasses.
  • Prison squat and or the wrist grab/cover-my-crotch pose.
  • The infamous club shot in front of the airbrushed backdrop (with the champagne glass.) Pair that with the prison squat and I’m thinking you “might just got out.”
  • Profiles where the guy has 20 pictures with the exact same face, pose and background – just a different shirt.
  • 20 or more photos – unless they are ALL different places and represent your life and interests.
  • The guy that looks angry or like he just woke up. Oh wait. That’s how he looks every day? oh. [NEXT >]
  • No full length photo but you can tell from their face that they are not “athletic and toned.”
  • Engagement rings mixed in with their photos (tacky).
  • Phone in the bathroom mirror (tons of these). I got a selfie stick in Wal-Mart for $4.88. Get one! But don’t take a bathroom photo with the selfie stick.
  • Speaking of bathroom phone pics… as a technologist I may not be the early adopter of the latest gadget but a FLIP PHONE is a NO. Sorry.
  • Guys that don’t have any pictures where they are smiling. Is there no joy in your life?
  • Small, fuzzy, hard-to-see-their-face or any detail photos. Most phones take decent photos.
  • Photos that haven’t been rotated because they can’t figure out how. Grab an eight year old and ask them to show you how to do it.

Lastly, *sigh* let’s face it. Many men who may have had that pretty curly hair or waves when they were younger develop thinning hair or a receding hairline as they age. There is NOTHING wrong with this but you need to embrace it, bruh. I promise you I do not have a problem with it but… don’t have your beautiful curly hair or waves starting near your ears or the middle of your head. Just fade it or go bald. Please. A bald head can be very sexy. (“You’ll never find… bom bom bom bom bom, an eight head like mine...” – Mike Epps, All About the Benjamins.

My Favorite Part

One of the things I find very entertaining is when I scan profile pictures and see guys that look like celebrities. Err…sort of, from a distance…
So far I’ve seen:

  • DMX (That’s my mansanddem, you KNOW?)
  • Rick Ross – whole lotta beards out there
  • A guy that looks like Crying Jordan
  • ?uestlove
  • Shabba Ranks
  • Morris Chestnut (off-brand… kinda)
  • Biggie
  • Tiger Woods
  • Fat Joe
  • Rakim

Translations

Many guys don’t even bother to fill out the narrative sections of their profiles but when they do, I’ve learned to read between the lines.

  • I like to snuggle: Sex.
  • I like spending time with that special someone: Sex, make me a sammich & let me take a nap.
  • I like to take care of my special lady: I’ll do whatever I have to to get the booty.
  • I like to take walks: Not paying for a cab and I don’t want to use my bus pass/Metro card. We can walk.
  • Not into games: Not into games played by you. I, however, will play them.
  • My woman should be independent: You better have your own loot because I ain’t spending a dime on you.

How to Get DELETED or BLOCKED

  • Send me unsolicited nekkid and/or shirtless photos. Really???
  • Get nasty with me or act like a miserable b*%#h.
  • Send multiple flirts, winks and likes but never bother to send a message.
  • Wear pastel colored suits with a long jacket and talk slick like you’re some kind of pimp. NO, I don’t care if it was Easter.

Interestingly enough, I find that online dating hasn’t changed that much since the last time I tried it. One exception is the addition of social media. You’re free to check me out on Twitter, YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn even however, Facebook is where I post pictures of my family on occasion and is generally a much smaller and therefore much more private network. If I don’t know you, it’s unlikely I’ll add you as a friend. If by chance I do and you start acting familiar and writing all over my wall or do stalkerish stuff… [DELETE]. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

The Future

Though I may sound cynical, I believe there are good men who are genuinely available, ready to commit if the opportunity arises and looking for a real connection. Is one of them looking for me? Somebody like me maybe but I really had no business being on there anyway. I already found my dude. Just waiting for him to catch up.

Originally Written: June 8, 2016

OneHipSista

Hi. I'm Valerie. Glad you're here – come on in and sit a spell. I've never put so much of my writing online but I share my personal experiences in hopes that I help someone in some way. I hope you find something you read thought-provoking, amusing or encouraging. Reach out or comment if you like. Please forgive the typos, grammar and cussing. Thanks for stopping by.

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